Story of my life..."In between." I always feel like I'm having to stretch to accommodate what I think other people want of me/for me. I feel so shaky to just say, "This is what I want, and I'll deal with the consequences if it doesn't turn out like I planned." I'm always hedging my bets; playing it safe, "people-pleasing" is how my husband puts it.
To throw off this conditioning feels akin to dying, so closely identified have I become with this story about myself. I'm trying so hard to live up to this spiritual ideal that my husband has set for us and I always fall short.
Just finished reading "Dream Catcher" by J.D. Sallinger's daughter, Margeret. It really struck chords with me!
I'm determined to see things differently." - a line from ACIM that encourages me to see things "rightly" and with forgiveness, "as if it never happened." I yearn to be through with the healing; to be able to write something like M. Salinger's book, to be able to give back and help someone else but I just feel so disconnected much of the time. Things I say come across wrong to the other person; I offend without meaning too, or intrude too far with my own ego; somehow my instincts just aren't what they used to be. I used to really be able to help people with my empathic skills but now, when I try to empathize, it feels phony and shallow.
Ruth St Denis*
I really appreciated in "Dream Catcher" how she broke through to realizing the falsehood of her father's belief's: that anything less than perfect isn't worth it; that only enlightened people could really contribute to the arts and his need to totally reject anyone that didn't live up to his exacting standards. She found the courage to stand up to him and to know deeply inside her self the value in "being imperfect, but doing it anyway"! I need some of this courage.
For the longest time I've believed that the way to enlightenment is through contemplation and stillness but sometimes I wonder if this is just another case of me living into someone else's version of reality and that my way to god just may be a whole lot louder and messier.
Web of Life - Sweater Tree (from Morton Arboretum in Lisle, Illinois - a collaboration between artist Carol Hummel and many local knitters.)
Chris and I watch many movies which are commentaries on our current world. Most of them are very articulate about the problems we are facing: hunger, unemployment, poverty, environmental degradation... Most of them have theories about what got us in this mess: Capitalism, Greed, the Educational System... And a few even offer solutions: political activism, local currencies, unschooling...
As we watch these documentaries we are often left with a sense of despair. The problems seem too big; the solutions seem as inconsequential as moving deck chairs on the Titanic -- they try to fix the problem from within the same system (or state of consciousness) that produced the problem in the first place. And as Einstein once said, "You can't solve a problem at the same level of consciousness as it was created." (Or something like that.)
We just finished watching a movie that we found to be incredibly inspiring. It's called "I Am". Here is an excerpt from the film's Home page:
"Ironically, in the process of trying to figure out what’s wrong with the world, director Tom Shadyac discovered there’s more right than
he ever imagined. He learned that the heart, not the brain, may be
man’s primary organ of intelligence, and that human consciousness and
emotions can actually affect the physical world...And, as Shadyac’s own story illustrates, money is not a
pathway to happiness. In fact, he even learns that in some native
cultures, gross materialism is equated with insanity."
I recommend watching this film. I think you will find it inspiring. It will lift you beyond the limited perspective through which you ordinarily look at the world. It made me cry in that good way; from seeing something so true and right. Enjoy!
Here are links to the movie in three parts (80 minutes in all). For best results hover over and click on the YouTube icon in the lower, right-hand corner of the images below. Once on the YouTube page click on the icon in the lower right-hand corner of the screen and enlarge the screen to full size.
Alice Herz-Sommer, a surviver of a Nazi concentration camp and
indomitable optimist, reflects on her life, and choices in this
beautifully inspiring interview with Anthony Robbins when she was 108
years old.
This five-minute video by "Moving Art" will touch your heart and reconnect you with the absolute miracle of being alive; this day, this moment, this life. Enjoy.
This is a beautiful slide show and sound track I stumbled upon. It is a recording of crickets played at normal speed combined with a track slowed way down. There are new human voices or musical instruments. I think you will find this uplifting, relaxing and peaceful. One of those beautiful pieces that can restore your faith that we have a place in this sacred, mysterious Universe.
At the end of the video it says:
This was the choir of the crickets.
If the cricket's choir and a human choir
sound so alike
then...
who directs it all?
Who else sings the Choir of the Divine?
along with us
that we cannot hear, that we are not aware of?
