In Between

Story of my life..."In between." I always feel like I'm having to stretch to accommodate what I think other people want of me/for me. I feel so shaky to just say, "This is what I want, and I'll deal with the consequences if it doesn't turn out like I planned." I'm always hedging my bets; playing it safe, "people-pleasing" is how my husband puts it.

To throw off this conditioning feels akin to dying, so closely identified have I become with this story about myself. I'm trying so hard to live up to this spiritual ideal that my husband has set for us and I always fall short.

Just finished reading "Dream Catcher" by J.D. Sallinger's daughter, Margeret. It really struck chords with me!

I'm determined to see things differently." - a line from ACIM that encourages me to see things "rightly" and with forgiveness, "as if it never happened." I yearn to be through with the healing; to be able to write something like M. Salinger's book, to be able to give back and help someone else but I just feel so disconnected much of the time. Things I say come across wrong to the other person; I offend without meaning too, or intrude too far with my own ego; somehow my instincts just aren't what they used to be. I used to really be able to help people with my empathic skills but now, when I try to empathize, it feels phony and shallow.

Ruth St Denis*

I really appreciated in "Dream Catcher" how she broke through to realizing the falsehood of her father's belief's: that anything less than perfect isn't worth it; that only enlightened people could really contribute to the arts and his need to totally reject anyone that didn't live up to his exacting standards. She found the courage to stand up to him and to know deeply inside her self the value in "being imperfect, but doing it anyway"! I need some of this courage.

For the longest time I've believed that the way to enlightenment is through contemplation and stillness but sometimes I wonder if this is just another case of me living into someone else's version of reality and that my way to god just may be a whole lot louder and messier.

*image is from The Wild Reed blog